Dear childhood self,

I’m told that writing is a good form of therapy. So I choose you to write to in hopes you can heal. I don’t know how well I’ll do with this, but you never know what will happen if you don’t try. I’m going to pick a memory a day and write about it.

I know as a child, no one listened to you, but I am here now to listen.So if you talk to me through memories, that would be great.

I will also talk to you about me and what is happening each day.

Today I would like to talk about me and what is happening right now, I am laying in bed next to Antonio. (Antonio is my husband).

I just worked a 12 hour shift from 3 AM to 3 PM. After, I had to go to Antonio’s house to help pack up the house.

He is moving not by choice. But because I decided to be selfish and put myself first, and left him. I decided Tuesday before Thanksgiving that I wanted to move out.So I found a place and moved out.

To be honest, I was being very selfish. I decided to leave the marriage because I thought I wanted Dave. You know, Dave, the guy who tormented you by chasing you all over Addyson, trying to pour pop all over you. In his defense, you did make him spill it all over himself.

I know he is probably the sole reason I am self conscious of my southern accent “is Amanda up there” ooh you hated that so much every time he saw you. He’d say it.

Well Anyways hate to be the bearer of bad news. You end up falling in love with him and what sucks? Is he or at least, I think feels the same. Unfortunately, from the bits and pieces he has told me he is just as messed up as we are.

Anyways, back to why I left Antonio I thought this time would be different. I thought he loved me enough to let me in. The the first night I was with him since I married Antonio. He was so different he. The way he hugged me, the look on his face, he was genuinely excited to see me and couldn’t stop touching me, and held me and we just sat on his couch and talked for the first time ever. He had me convinced it would be different. So I decided to move out and chose him.

A little backstory, about a year ago after losing Lee. I ran into Dave and refused to talk to him. I then decided to send him a Facebook message saying Goodbye and telling him why I was saying Goodbye. After Lee died, he didn’t reach out to me, and it took a year for him, and me, running into him at a restaurant. For him to even acknowledge me. Then, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving this year, I had a dream about him and decided to reach out and see how he was doing. And like with every other time I reach out to him, I always managed to find a way into his arms, no matter who I’m with, what I’m doing if he can make time for me. I drop what i’m doing and run to him.

I thought he would make time for me. I thought at bare minimum, we would text back-and-forth, get to know each other. Maybe date and finally see where we go, nope, I was wrong.

The only time he would talk to me is if I’d reach out first. Man, is that lonely and sucks? I even clearly stated how I feel about him. He kind of laughed it off. However, he would come over whenever he had time off of work. And it was like the first time before Thanksgiving. He would be excited to see me. Wrapped me in his arms, and then we would have sex, and he would just leave no cuddles, no conversations, he would just leave.

So how am I back to laying  next to Antonio, snoring in the bed beside me, you may ask, well, funny, you should ask.

Just like when we met, he doesn’t leave. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that. On one hand I’m okay with it. On the other hand I’m not. I don’t know what I want. Whenever Antonio and I are apart. Most of the time, I miss him. I’d want him to come back. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m lonely or if I truly want him there. The other part of me wishes, It was dave laying there.

Antonio promises this safe, loving life that I wish I could have with Dave. I know that it will never happen. I mean, Antonio is great and I have love for him but not the same as Dave. Mom said it best the other day. She said it’s because I lust after Dave which is that a bad thing? I don’t think so I wish I could lust after Antonio. He has everything I want and need in life. And he loves me so unconditionally. No matter what I do, he is there in my corner cheering me on picking me up whenever I make a stupid decisions and forgets me. Just like now, I’m worried. I made a stupid decision with choosing Dave. I just don’t think if he knew about this go round with Dave, he’d forgive me. He knows about some of the men I had sex with after I left, but not all, if he finds out about Dave. I’d lose him forever and I don’t no how to feel about that. When I left I came to terms with losing him as a friend. Since we started talking again, things are different. He listens to me and I’m starting to crave his touch.

Honestly, a big issue I had with Antonio is our sex life before I left It was horrible, I barely ever had an orgasm, and least not the way I’d have with Dave. Now, sex is fantastic, may even be better than with Dave. With Antonio, I am comfortable enough to do the things I like. I’d never dream about doing anal play with Dave. With Dave things are very vanilla. I feel like I have to hold back. I’m afraid it might scare him off or change how he sees me.

Everything in my brain says I need to say Goodbye to Dave like actually face-to-face, say Goodbye, close that chapter and let it go. I mean, after 20 years it’s not going to happen. But in my heart, I want to hold out help that one day he will choose me. But it’s not going to happen, so I have to say Goodbye, right? And let him go and choose Antonio.

Well until tomorrow good night.