Dear childhood self,

Last night, I let Antonio read my journal. My journal is an expanded blog posts. He got to read about how I feel about Dave. Mostly the entry on 1/26/2025.

Well, it went better than I thought it would. He didn’t leave like I thought he would. Part of me wishes he would have left. At least that’s what I deserve.He deserves better than what I give him.

We kind of talked about the future. I told him I could only commit to him if we lived in Myrtle Beach. I’m not sure if I want Myrtle Beach so bad it’s clouding my judgment. What I mean is that i’m not sure I truly want to be with him.But I know to live in Myrtle Beach it has to be with him.

Part of me really does not want to give up on Dave. I want so badly to be with Dave. I know it’s not going to happen. I want to be in his arms. Feel his touch, the fire, feel the passion. Feel every nerve in my body come alive at the mere thought of him. I think that is why I’m okay with just seeing him every now and then. I’m okay, just being sex to him, because at least I still have him. I’m afraid that if I choose Antonio and I give up on him, I’ll live with the regret of never knowing what could have been. On the flip side, what if we try and it turns out to be bad. I don’t think I can live with that.

That is why I’m having such a hard time saying goodbye to him. Then there is the fact that I don’t want to be alone.What if I choose Dave and we never try, and I remain sex to him? Antonio will be gone, and I’ll be alone. I think I’m afraid to be alone.

We have been alone all our whole life. Growing up, we barely had friends, we had Heather and look how she treated us. She only wanted us around when there was no one else around. Then there was tiffany, and we know how bad that was. She was not a true friend. She just wanted to keep an eye on Nick.

Oh man, was that a stupid crush girl. You liked anything with a dick and a car.Things really haven’t changed, have they?

Remember having that sleepover in the laundry room area of the apartment.
Mom let all 3 of us kids have friends over and made a sleep in there. We, of course, had Heather stay, and Gary had Nick stay. You followed him around like a lost puppy that night. We slept next to each other. Remember, waking up to him trying to finger us. Thank God we had Jean shorts on. That is one road I’m glad we didn’t walk down. He is now a recovering drug addict. Dumb as hell and done smoked himself stupid.

Anyways, I’m laying here in bed thinking of things from our past to write about, but nothing is coming to mind. I’m so hung up on Antonio and Dave. I don’t know what to do. I need to talk to Dave and see what he wants. I need to be honest with him, but that takes guts. I think I’m going to write this in a message to him. What would I say is the problem.

I don’t think I want Antonio. Don’t get me wrong I love him and will miss the shit out of him. Really thinking about it, he is not who I want. He is safe and doesn’t challenge me. Yes, we have great sex now, and I’m comfortable with him, but I want more. I don’t know what i’m more scared of being alone or being with him.

Well, I did it, I wrote to Dave and asked how he felt about me. He said he doesn’t have an answer. So I told him about Myrtle Beach. He proceeds to tell me to go and be happy. I guess I don’t mean anything to him. I was wrong all along, so I told him Goodbye. My heart hurts so bad right now. I feel like I’ve wasted the past 20 years. I can’t believe I have only been and always will be just sex to him.This hurts.

Even though I don’t have Dave anymore, it doesn’t change how I feel about Antonio. This aint right. I had it pictured in my head so definitely, Dave was supposed to choose me.

You know what fuck both of them. Why do I have to choose between them? There are plenty of men out there. I’m sure if I look hard enough, I’m sure I can find one that treats me like Antonio does, and I feel how I feel towards Dave. Why limit myself?

That is all I have for now. Please like and comment what you think I should do. Until next time!!!